第17期试译难句分析(外审版)

畅译网时间:2018-11-26

试译段落

路其琛和叶知秋到的时候不算晚,路老爷子把从美国带回来的保养品拿了出来,非让叶知秋带过来,顾妍绯站在门口看着两人下车,她看到路其琛接过了叶知秋手里的东西,顺手牵过了她的手,这才朝着顾家大门走了过来。
她看到叶知秋不小心扭了一下脚,路其琛紧张的询问她有没有事,她笑着摇头。
明晃晃的笑容刺痛了顾妍绯的眼。
等到两人走近,叶知秋看到站在台阶上的顾妍绯,一下子愣在了原地。
“怎么了?怎么不走了?”路其琛转过脸来冲着叶知秋问道,叶知秋只是定定的看着面前的顾妍绯。
顾妍绯这会才有机会好好的打量路其琛。
之前只听说路其琛名声不好,什么女人多,脾气差,可等到人活生生的站在自己的面前,她才知道,用传闻来认识一个人 ,是她这辈子做得最错的一件事情。
他今天穿的很随意,浅蓝细格的衬衣,手腕处松松挽起,斜飞的英挺剑眉,细长蕴藏着锐利的黑眸,阳光洒在他的脸上,晕出一个柔和的弧度。

难句解析

路老爷子把从美国带回来的保养品拿了出来,非让叶知秋带过来
Grandpa Lu had requested① Ye Zhiqiu to take② the care products that were brought back from the USA.

① Many of you use the word ‘demanded’. It makes the grandfather sound like a horrible man. Use a softer word like requested or asked

② You ask people to bring things to the place you are, and you take things to the place you are going. Since Ye Zhiqiu was “going” somewhere, she had to “take” the care products with her.

顾妍绯站在门口看着两人下车
Gu Yanfei was standing at the door and watching③ them as they got off/ alighted from④ the car.

③ Some of you use ‘watched’ here. The first verb in this sentence is “standing” so the second verb has to also end with “ing”

④ Some applicants use ‘went off’ here. It means to go somewhere. Not appropriate.


她看到路其琛接过了叶知秋手里的东西,顺手牵过了她的手,这才朝着顾家大门走了过来。
She saw Lu Qichen taking⑤ the things that Ye Zhiqiu was holding. Lu Qichen smiled as he held her hand naturally, and began walking toward the entrance of Gu’s family house.⑥

⑤ ‘Take over’ is not appropriate. The word ‘over’ is extra.

⑥ Many of you use a very long sentence here.
“She saw Lu Qichen taking the things that Ye Zhiqiu was holding, holding her hand naturally and coming over to Gu’s family.”
It is always good to break a long sentence into shorter sentences. And using “holding” twice makes it boring. It shows poor vocabulary if we use it again.


她看到叶知秋不小心扭了一下脚,路其琛紧张的询问她有没有事,她笑着摇头
She noticed that Ye Zhiqiu twisted her foot by accident. Gu Yanfei raised her eyebrow when she saw the concern on Lu Qichen’s face. He asked Ye Zhiqiu, “Are you okay?” Ye Zhiqiu smiled and shook her head to dismiss his worry. “I’m fine,” she replied.

Sometimes a simple sentence needs an explanation to make the story interesting and to give insight into the characters and what they are thinking and doing


明晃晃的笑容刺痛了顾妍绯的眼
Her bright smile was a real eyesore.

Most of you use “stung the eyes”. If you don’t know how to translate it, it is highly recommended to explain how Gu Yanfei was feeling at the moment. For example, Gu Yanfei narrowed her eyes when she saw how brightly Ye Zhiqiu smiled at Lu Qichen. It seemed they really liked each other.

等到两人走近,叶知秋看到站在台阶上的顾妍绯,一下子愣在了原地。
When Lu Qichen and Ye Zhiqiu slowly approached the steps, Ye Zhiqiu saw Gu Yanfei standing in front of them, and suddenly froze.

Take a look at this one.
“When they slowly approached, Ye Zhiqiu finally found her standing on the steps. She suddenly froze.”
When too many pronouns are used in a sentence, it confuses readers. Its always better to use names


“怎么了?怎么不走了?”路其琛转过脸来冲着叶知秋问道,叶知秋只是定定的看着面前的顾妍绯。
“What’s the matter? Why did you stop?” Lu Qichen turned to look at Ye Zhiqiu as he asked. Ye Zhiqiu just stared at Gu Yanfei.

Take a look at this.
“Lu Qichen turned to watch Ye Zhiqiu and asked, while Ye Zhiqiu was just staring at Gu Yanfei before her.”
Too long. It is wise to break long sentences into shorter ones. And removing repetition. We’ve already said that Gu Yanfei was standing in front of them.


顾妍绯这会才有机会好好的打量路其琛。
Gu Yanfei took this time to get a good look at Lu Qichen.


之前只听说路其琛名声不好,什么女人多,脾气差
Gu Yanfei had heard of Lu Qichen’s reputation. According to rumor, he was involved with hordes of women and had a bad temper.

Break long sentences in shorter ones

可等到人活生生的站在自己的面前,她才知道,用传闻来认识一个人,是她这辈子做得最错的一件事情
After watching him with Ye Zhiqui, she noticed that the rumors were unfounded. Gu Yanfei realized that she had been wrong to judge a person by rumor alone.

Use explanations to make the story interesting by providing insight into the characters and what they are thinking

他今天穿的很随意,浅蓝细格的衬衣,手腕处松松挽起
He was wearing a casual⑦ light blue plaid⑧ shirt. The sleeves had been rolled up⑨ loosely.

⑦ Many of you use ‘was casually wearing’. It is incorrect. But the clothes one wears can be described as causal.
⑧ Some of you use ‘with tiny plaids’. That is awkward.
⑨ Some of you use ‘rolling’ here. It would convey present tense - as in happening right now. Since that is not the case, we must use past tense.


斜飞的英挺剑眉,细长蕴藏着锐利的黑眸

Take a look at this one.
‘He got two piercing dark eyes hidden in the long handsome dashing eyebrows.’
(a) If his eyebrows were hiding his eyes, how could she tell they were “piercing”.
(b) Piercing is wrong word choice. Piercing would imply a harsh stare/ look, something that would make a person uncomfortable. We’re trying to say he’s nicer than he seems. His physical attributes must convey that “niceness” to the reader.
(c) Eyebrows cannot be ‘dashing’ or ‘handsome’. Those words are used to describe people. Plus handsome and dashing mean the same thing. So why use two words? Bushy/ thin/ perfectly shaped/ arched/ exceedingly curved - these are some useful descriptive words for eyebrows


阳光洒在他的脸上,晕出一个柔和的弧度。

Take a look at this one.
‘The sunshine spilled and drew a soft outline of his face.’
Only liquids spill. And sunshine cannot “draw”.

I provide the alternative below

Gu Yanefi studied Lu Qichen’s features. His handsome face was characterized by sharp eyes and perfectly arched brows. His long eyelashes softened his appearance, though. As the sun sank lower into the evening sky, a gentle orange glow framed his face, making him look almost angelic.